Wednesday, May 5, 2010

May 5, 2010

Today, I decided to start my life over.
Life has a tendency to get hard sometimes. Why, I'm not sure. It's not hard at all....I DO have a great life. Sometimes, however, I let my own feelings toward myself get in the way. I have a tendency to not be able to see the bigger picture beyond my on self reflection.
Today....that all ends. Because it's driving me crazy. It's driving me into a depression that, honestly, scares me. Because it makes me feel like I'm not enough..for my husband, for my children. I find myself having scary thoughts. And that isn't a good feeling.
I don't feel good about myself. Again, it's my own self reflection coming into play. And that is affecting my marriage. I don't feel sexy, I don't even feel remotely pretty. And it's making me shy away from my husband, because, in my mind, I'm finding myself to be repulsive, so he must too, right? I KNOW that he doesn't. I KNOW that my husband loves me more than anything on this earth. But sometimes, I reflect my self hatred onto my husbands feelings.
So, today, I got up. I cleaned my house. I did my makeup and my hair. I took some pictures of myself. And it made me feel a little better. Not a whole lot, but just a little bit. But it made my desire to change THAT much stronger. It will be a challenge, but it will be one that I'm looking forward to.
So, with this blog, I will journal every day about my feelings. I'm going to create a schedule for myself, that's going to include some time for myself. I'm going to include housework, exercising, making myself look good.
My plan is to take a monthly picture to chart my progress. To see the improvements I'm making in myself.
This is going to be a challenge, but one that I'm looking forward to overcoming.
Here's to change.....

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