Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Our Scars Remind Us That The Past Is Real

My good friend Stephanie, over at Gumdrop Pass (Our Spotlight this week!) posted a really interesting post about scars. You pick one scar that you have and you share how you got it. It can be funny, serious, whatever you want it to be. I'm going to post one that is serious, the story behind it is dark and the message is huge.
I have a scar on my left inner arm, right above a tattoo that I have. It's raised, probably 6 years old, and flesh colored. This scar serves as a reminder that, sometimes, pain is too much to overcome, but stupid things could lead to unnecessary pain to others, because YOU lost control.
I'd only been broken up with my boyfriend of a year and a half for probably 6 months or so. I'd met someone else who was just playing with me and toying with me. I was a single mom of 1 year old twins, working, going to college and taking care of my mother, who was on chemo. I was overwhelmed. I was depressed. I was stressed and stretched beyond my means.
I was sitting in my room, listening to depressing music, lights out, candles burning. I was thinking about my life, all the things that was going wrong and I just couldn't take the pain anymore. So, I resorted to doing something I did quite a bit as a teen. I pulled out a box cutter and decided to cut myself.
Let me back track here. In my teen years, I was horribly picked on. It seemed like kids were really mean back then. I was overweight, I was poor, I wasn't cool at all. And these kids tore into me. I found that hiding in my room and cutting myself eased the pain. So I did that...frequently. I always hid it from my mom, doing it in places that no one would see. I'd slowed down when I met my boyfriend my Junior year. The middle of my senior year, we got married. Almost a year later, I found out I was pregnant, which I lost that baby. I'd started cutting again. Not even 3 months later, I found out I was pregnant again. Again, that resulted in a miscarriage. I kept on cutting. Then, we split up and I moved in with my Dad...kept cutting. Then, I moved back with my mom, started seeing someone, he played me, started cutting again. Then, I met my twins' biological father and stopped. I was done for a long time, almost 2 years. Then that night, I cut again.
I pulled that box cutter across my arm and felt a release. Then, I looked down. I was bleeding...A LOT. More than I'd ever bled. And I got scared. I wrapped a towel around my arm to stop the bleeding and bled through it. I called my friends Justin and Kymmi, crying, freaking out, because I thought I'd hit a major artery. They came over and the bleeding had stopped by then. They talked to me and I cried and got it out and it felt good, better than when I cut myself.

What this taught me was that cutting CAN get too deep and you CAN get carried away. I'm lucky I didn't die that night, because I wouldn't have this AWESOME life I have now. My kids would have been motherless. Looking back, it was stupid and I hate myself for it. But I have this scar to remind me, when things get bad, cutting is not the answer. I haven't cut myself SINCE then.....well, once, but that is actually a funny story. My husband found a fabric cutter at my step-grandma's house and I bet him it wasn't sharp enough to cut skin. It was. lol. Now, I talk to people when I'm upset. Sure, sometimes, when it gets to be too much, I want to cut, but I don't. I have far too much to live for.

3 comments:

  1. Oh my gosh - thank you for being so brave to share such a personal story. I'm sure there are a lot of readers who can relate to this, whether it be through personal experience or knowing someone who has dealt with this kind of pain.

    This was SO powerful. Stories like this just break my heart. I'm glad you were able to overcome this. Thanks so much for sharing.

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  2. OUCH. Thanks for telling us - and for realizing that you have much to live for :) Stopping by to follow on this fine Tuesday - hope you can visit my place and return the favor soon.
    http://www.shaunanosler.blogspot.com/

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  3. You are very brave to have posted this. I'm glad that you are ok & that you realized you have so much to live for.

    Following you back!

    xoxo

    Kelly
    http://kellydunne.blogspot.com

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