Wednesday, September 26, 2012

The anxiety ridden mama.

Hi. My name is Jen. I am bat turd crazy.
My hormones are yet again out of whack. Again. This time instead of growing a pair, I've been neutered. You know...the only thing I can be after having a hysterectomy, growing balls then having them karate chopped off by Bruce Lee. My hormones do not know what direction to go in. I have to say I have the best friends in the entire effing world. Seriously. I've been feeling like I'm jumping in and out of the pits of hell and they're like, "It's okay, Jen. Really. BREATHE!" I honestly don't know how they tolerate me ;) Probably very carefully. I get incredibly overwhelmed whenever my house turns into complete CHAOS.
   When this happens, I get depressed and fearful because I know what is going to happen. I feel like I have NO control button. I don't know if this is what brings on the anxiety or if it comes because I lose control of my home. But I then become anxiety ridden. The more that continues to add to the pile, the worse I get. I am talking I'm on floor hands and knees scrubbing and a child poops, the dog pees in the floor, if I'm lucky I do not slip in it, the wipes disappear mysteriously, the phone rings the child that pooped swings their butt around causing me to get poop on my hand and on the floor- which in turn causes me to spaz. Then hubby will call me to say oh yeah I need you to (insert task). The school will call and then a friend will call me crying needing help or advice and I'm on the brink of insanity as we speak. When I finally get back to my housework I've found what I'd done before hand has been undone by a certain 2 year old (I have 2 so I can't really call either of them out because they both do this but they're children.)  
   This causes me to become more than anxiety ridden. It becomes panic stricken. I panic. My heart races. My pulse jumps. I swear I can see my pulse jumping from my wrist. I feel like I am winded and can't breathe at times. I want to scream but I can't. I have to remain composure for my children. I feel like I'm having a heart attack at times. Chest pains, dizziness, light headedness. Then the paranoia sets in. I'm a horrible mother, I'm a horrible wife, a horrible person, friend, neighbor. My kids don't love me, everyone hates me. I am pathetic. I'm fat and ugly. The depression has sat in. At this point I don't care. I just plop down in the kids room with them and sit on my phone and play games or listen to music while they play, safely that is. I start feeling so sorry for myself. It gets really pathetic. All this finally wears off, either because I call someone and talk. I then get angry and frustrated because I'm so sick of my life being this way.
   Behind my goofy blogs, I'm a huge mess. Humor is the only thing that keeps me from being locked in a cage. With the frustration comes anger. Not towards anyone but myself. I get angry because I'm so anxiety ridden. I get angry because whenever I try things to make it work NOTHING HELPS. I've not taken one single frigging pill that has EVER helped me. And, I'm sure there are pills but I am far from a pill head and would like to remain that way. I'm stubborn. Hard headed. I'm sure I have OCD along with the anxiety. I had a Dr appointment yesterday, but- honestly, I was too anxiety ridden to get there. I was waiting for the exterminator to come back, he never showed. My appointment was later, meaning I had no one to get the kids off the bus as my good friend and neighbor wasn't able to. On top of that I don't know this Dr from Adam. I've been with my Dr for 7 years! But, he's in Lexington and I'm going to have to eventually come to the terms we're not ever moving back to Richmond. And worrying about all that made my anxiety worse. So I called and rescheduled.
   I'm hoping this is just hormones. (which they are checking by the way! YAY!!) I really wish I could see a therapist...but the one I want to see is booked until JANUARY!!! Apparently along with pill heads there are a lot of messed up people in this area. I had to endure a cross examination just to get into to see this Dr AND when I called the therapist. I knew pills were bad here but wow. Any who sorry if this scared you, bored you or whatever. But....I will let you all know more about this after my appointment Wednesday. BIG SIGH. Mwahs!                                                                                
                                                     ♥ Jen♥

4 comments:

  1. i can relate..since i had a hysterectomy, i know i have issues now but since i started the estrogen and i have to take a thyroid hormone for the rest of my life, and i was prescribed medication for my anxiety and depression, so i guess i am a pillhead but once u stop taking the pills, the anxiety and depression is intensified so in the long run it doesn't help. So i understand why you don't want to be medicated. I support you and understand how your feeling. You didn't scare me, and you have friends to help you through it. I believe we are put on this earth for a reason and i know some people suck but we should help each other..i know that sounds mushy but no one should have to go through it alone.

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  2. Oh my goodness. You could change the name from yours to mine and this would be me. I'm so sorry to see you're dealing with this - but it is nice to see I'm not alone in this insanity. Thank you for sharing.
    Tracy @ Momaical.com

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  3. Thanks Anon. I'm mentally freaking out so i'm sure meds are my only options now. I don't know. I honestly don't really care what the dr chooses. I'm not going to protest anything. Whatever he chooses for treatment is just what i'm going to have to deal with. As long as I can become normal Jen again. If not, i'm going to lose everything I love. I'ts just not worth risking that to me.

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  4. Thanks Tracy for also letting me know i'm not alone in this. I'm getting medical help today actually. I'm hoping to find a fix to my insanity. I can't take this. it's ruining my life. I wish you the best of luck with yours!!!

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So....what did you think? And are you THAT Sarah Michelle?