Thursday, October 25, 2012

Wow...What A Slap In The Face

I got a harsh realization thrown at me today......and I'm really not sure how to handle it, process it, whatever.
Jen, my fabulous co writer, suggested a girls night out. At first, I was like, hells to the yea! Let's do this! In my head, I saw all of us girls going out and just having a good time, looking awesome, ya know...like girls do. I haven't done that in a long, long, LONG time and was immediately picturing myself all prettied up and just feeling good.
Than WHAM, here comes the realization. I started looking for reasons to not go. Oh, the husband might have to work late. I'm not sure we'll have the money. I'm not sure I'll feel up to going out. I don't want to burden the husband with having to watch the kids after working all week....just several excuses popped into my head. Anxiety started to grab at me, fear started to creep up into my throat, my heart. Then immediate sadness.
As much as I'd love to get together with my girls and go out, sans kids, for dinner and drinks and just let lose and enjoy, I don't see this happening for one big, huge reason.
My weight.
I realized today that I don't go out because of my weight. I only leave the house if I absolutely have to. I force myself to do a lot of things, like joining the PTO or helping friends with stuff. I feel uncomfortable doing these things because of my weight. I spend about 95% of my life in my house. I'm just not comfortable going out in to this world, because of my weight.
Pardon the finger...I was flipping Jen off.
When I picture myself, when I really think about what I think I look like, I see a really big woman. I was going to post a picture, but I decided not to. Just google fat women and you'll get the idea. I admit, I AM a big girl, as you can tell from the picture (I was becoming a half burned zombie). I admit, I weight A LOT.....more than I like to admit. I KNOW I need to lose weight, but it's almost like I can't. I don't have the energy to work out, or the want or whatever. I know how to eat well, but I just don't do it. I'll try to cut out soda and I do for awhile, but then I pick it right back up.
*sigh*
My weight is holding me back so much in my life. I'm becoming a shut in and that scares me. But I don't know what to do. I don't know how to get my mind on the same page as my heart and really get this weight off. I'm terrified that I'm going to end up killing myself with my obesity.
It's taken me a lot to admit this. I think I've tried to deny it for so, so long, but it's honestly the truth. I use my kids, my husband, as an excuse to not go out with my girlfriends, but the real reason is because I just don't want to be seen in public.
So, there it is..out there for the world to see. They say admitting you have a problem is the first step to recover so......
My name is Sarah. I weigh over 300 pounds and I am addicted to food.

~Sarah

1 comment:

  1. Sarah. You are beautiful, no matter what. That has nothing to do with your body. Now, how do you get your body to where the rest of you is? You know all the right answers. You just haven't found your mojo yet. You've made a first HUGE step by sharing this with all of us. You just need to find your commitment and your gumption to work at it. Make a list of all the things that you believe your weight is keeping you from doing. Make that your "bucket list". As you begin to conquer each of those things, mark them off the list. With a big, fat, black Sharpie .. permanently! I believe in you, and I believe you can DO this because I believe that by admitting it to everyone, you really do want to change. Know that you will have a lot of readers cheering you on every step of the way, even every stumble of the way. Start small. Baby steps forward are still steps forward. YOU CAN DO IT!!

    ReplyDelete

So....what did you think? And are you THAT Sarah Michelle?