Monday, February 4, 2013

Depression Really DOES Hurt Everyone

Saturday night, I got the slap in the face (not literally) that I needed from my husband. I had to face a truth that I'd been hiding for a long, long time.

I'm depressed.

Not only am I depressed, but it's bad. I feel like I'm drowning, like I'm being crushed to death. And I don't know why.

Well, I THINK I know why.....but I'm not 100% sure..

But it's hurting more than me. It's hurting my husband, it's hurting my children. They are all craving attention from me, attention I'm honestly not that willing to give because that means I have to interact with someone and I really don't want to do that. On here and on our Facebook page, I seem to be all smiles and sunshine, but the truth is.....I'm not. I try to be as real as I possibly can, but something like this isn't something I WANT to be real about. Because I don't WANT it to be real.

It's almost like I've retreated inside of myself. Or that I've let this depression cloud who I really am. I think that's more it than anything.....because I feel lost feel like I'm lost, just bobbing out there in the sea, waiting for someone to come find me. The person I am on the outside doesn't feel like the person I am on the inside, or like the person that I SHOULD be.

I hate that feeling, to be perfectly honest with you. It's not a good feeling at all. I've been neglecting my husband, my children and, more importantly, myself. Every day, my husband comes home and sees me much as he left me....in my pjs with messy hair and a look of defeat in my eyes.

Well...this simply will not do. I need to fix things, fix myself, before I get lost forever. One step, I've already taken and that's to lose weight. I'll step that up soon, when I get a new vehicle and I can start going to the gym. I'm more than determined than ever to get this weight off me. Another thing I'm going to start doing is going to Goodwill to buy me some clothes...a couple of pairs of jeans, some shirts, that kind of thing. And I'm going to get dressed daily, taking time to fix my hair (or at least brush it) and maybe even put a little makeup on. 

The most important step of all is I'm going to start giving my kids the attention the deserve. Finger painting, crafts, going to the park, going to the library, anything I can think of, I'm going to do. Because it's time to pull myself out of the water and start making my way back to shore.

So here's to a new me......

11 comments:

  1. I'm struggling with anxiety and panic attacks at the moment, all new to me as I'm usually a 'coper' ... so I DO know how you feel. I have a doc appt tomorrow to check my thyroid, but otherwise, I'll be trying the positive thinking route to try and will myself better. Huge hugs to you xxx

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  2. Thank you for sharing your real feelings and what's really going on with you right now. It's how we help others, being real. You know I'm rootin' for ya, and if you need an ear or sounding board, I'm here :)

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  3. I deal with depression too. A few years ago, I had a major depressive episode that lasted for nine months. I didn't get out of bed much for those nine months. So I know what you're talking about. The guilt of not being there for your family is there, but it's hard to overcome the emptiness and lack of motivation that prevents everything else from going on. But it sounds like you know what to do. The first step is getting out of bed and you're right - put on some clothes, do your hair, throw on a little makeup. Anything to feel better. It helps get to the next step. To feel like you're a little more in control and there's a little more order in life. It's not easy and I send hugs to you. email me anytime you need an ear because that's one of the great things about blogging is finding that like minded community that you might not have close by, of people who get it. I'm cheering you on. You can do it! Thanks for linking up on my blog hop. I'm especially glad that you linked this one because it's a subject that really resonates for me and I really want to build a community of support for one another. Here is the link to the post I wrote on the subject: http://modmombeyondindiedom.blogspot.com/2013/01/tangled-up-in-blues-dealing-with.html

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  4. Sometimes you can't "will" yourself out of it. I applaud your realness. God bless. Linda

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  5. Thank you for being so authentic with your readers. It's inspring. I think healing is found in numbers, and I am definitely rooting for you!

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  6. The line you wrote "It's almost like I've retreated inside of myself." really stuck with me. I have a chronic illness that can be physically and emotionally debilitating at times. It can be so conflicting to have part of you wanting to be connected and the other part left alone.
    On a brighter note, it sounds like that hubby of yours is paying attention!
    Carrie from Just Mildly Medicated

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  7. aw *hugs* thank you for sharing :) I struggled with it when I was a stay at home mom. I will tell you that getting dressed every day, doing my hair and makeup actually helped. And when that little voice popped in saying 'what's the point' I reminded myself that it's for ME and my children...


    The 5th Level of Motherhood


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  8. I suffer from depression as well. Like you, I just don't feel like I'm giving my kids the attention they need.
    Thanks for your honesty and I also wanted to stop by and thank you for linkin up with my ladies today. We had a pretty good turn out! I hope you gain a few new followers and that you join us again next week! Thanks again!
    Katie~
    http://dysfunctionsjunction.com

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  9. Bless your heart. I am so sorry for what you are going through. Depression certainly is painful for all. I have been there myself. Another thing you might want to look into is having your thyroid checked. It may not be anything to do with it, but during my last bout we found out that I was severely hypothyroid. It explained so much. I had thinning hair, weight gain, depression, dry skin and even visual problems and it was all related to my thyroid. I am glad you are going to take some steps.

    I'm vising from the Thursday hop from Dysfunction Junction. Hope you can visit.
    http://heresmytakeonit.blogspot.com/

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  10. I am here from Dysfunction Junction hop. I have to say that I've dealt with depression off and on many times over in my life. I know the feelings your describing and they are a living nightmare for you AND yes, your family.

    There have been times it's been so bad that my husband went with me to the doctor and we tried medicine to try and regulate it. The medicine made me feel even odder. I didn't last on it. However, to be honest, I started writing again, and that helped so much!!

    I've learned that finding something that I can be passionate about and get deeply involved in for a couple hours a day helps me stay on track and keep from going into that deep dark hole. I don't know if that will help you because it depends on what level your depression is at. However, it sounds like you've reached the first important step which is admitting you have an issue and the desire to fight this illness.

    I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

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So....what did you think? And are you THAT Sarah Michelle?