Saturday night, I got the slap in the face (not literally) that I needed from my husband. I had to face a truth that I'd been hiding for a long, long time.
Not only am I depressed, but it's bad. I feel like I'm drowning, like I'm being crushed to death. And I don't know why.
Well, I THINK I know why.....but I'm not 100% sure..
But it's hurting more than me. It's hurting my husband, it's hurting my children. They are all craving attention from me, attention I'm honestly not that willing to give because that means I have to interact with someone and I really don't want to do that. On here and on our Facebook page, I seem to be all smiles and sunshine, but the truth is.....I'm not. I try to be as real as I possibly can, but something like this isn't something I WANT to be real about. Because I don't WANT it to be real.
It's almost like I've retreated inside of myself. Or that I've let this depression cloud who I really am. I think that's more it than anything.....because I feel lost feel like I'm lost, just bobbing out there in the sea, waiting for someone to come find me. The person I am on the outside doesn't feel like the person I am on the inside, or like the person that I SHOULD be.
I hate that feeling, to be perfectly honest with you. It's not a good feeling at all. I've been neglecting my husband, my children and, more importantly, myself. Every day, my husband comes home and sees me much as he left me....in my pjs with messy hair and a look of defeat in my eyes.
Well...this simply will not do. I need to fix things, fix myself, before I get lost forever. One step, I've already taken and that's to lose weight. I'll step that up soon, when I get a new vehicle and I can start going to the gym. I'm more than determined than ever to get this weight off me. Another thing I'm going to start doing is going to Goodwill to buy me some clothes...a couple of pairs of jeans, some shirts, that kind of thing. And I'm going to get dressed daily, taking time to fix my hair (or at least brush it) and maybe even put a little makeup on.
The most important step of all is I'm going to start giving my kids the attention the deserve. Finger painting, crafts, going to the park, going to the library, anything I can think of, I'm going to do. Because it's time to pull myself out of the water and start making my way back to shore.
So here's to a new me......