I'm not quite sure the direction of this post, as I have a million and 5 thoughts in my head right now. So this will likely be one of my rambling posts. I know how much you guys love those.
I applied at a pet store that's going to be opening soon and, honestly, I'll be surprised if I get a call back. The main reason is because of my availability. I'm finding myself in a Catch 22 position. I WANT to work, because I'm bored with staying home and, let's face it, I like money. BUT, I don't want to work any later than, say, 2:30, because I have to be to get Cailin at 3 and I want to make sure I'm available for my kids, first and foremost.
So what are my options here?
Well, more than likely, I can get on at, say, McDonald's or something like that. But I really don't WANT to work fast food, even if it is only part time. I could have my husband talk to the owner of the Subway next door to his job and see if they'd hire me with my availability, but, again...fast food.
That's pretty much my only option.
Now, the dream.....I could either work from home OR work for myself. I'd like to do the latter. I'd like to find some creativity deep down inside me and turn it into a fabulous Etsy shop and spend my days making beautiful things for other people. Or I'd like to find a building for or rent a booth at the vendors mall and open my own "thrift" store.
I'd like to write a book.....just something, not sure what. Well, okay, that's not true.. I know what I'd like to write. I'd like to turn this "book" that I'd written in high school..a kids book, into a series. Now, don't laugh, but it's called "The Adventures of Spunky The Duck". It's about a duck that is born differently than his brothers and sisters and they pick on him because of it. So he runs (er..um...waddles?) away and finds himself in the neighboring space center (not even sure if this is possible.....) and goes off to space...thus becoming the "cool duck". I was told by the librarian at my high school that it was good and would make for an awesome series of early reader books. I thought about trying to self-publish it and it become an eBook on Kindle. I'd like to write a novel as well. Not sure what it would be about, but I'd like to do it anyway.
I said that I'd use this time that Cailin was in school to discover myself, but to be perfectly honest, I'm scared of what I'll find when I do. What if all these dreams I have are just that....dreams....What if I realize that I either lost site of or faked this drive that I use to be so proud of.
My best friend Patty (the crafty mama on this blog) recently went from being a housewife to a working woman. She works at the new crafts store that just recently opened up. I went and saw her on Sunday and she was just beaming. She found her niche. I was jealous, because I WANT THAT. But I talk myself out of doing things because I have no confidence in myself. And that really, really sucks.
So now what? I'm scared that I'm going to go through life and just.......be. I don't want to just exist, I want to do something. There's only so much house I can clean. I find myself doing the same thing I did before Cailin started school. I sit around the house, on the internet, doing absolutely nothing but feeling sorry for myself. I KNOW I should get up and do something, but I honestly don't have it in me most days. It's too much effort on my part.
Something has to give, because I'm scared that any shred of me that I still have is going to get lost. People around me that are important to me and finding their careers, their path and I'm left on the side of the road, desperately searching for SOMETHING even close to that feeling.
What if it never comes?