This is probably the hardest post I've ever had to write. Because it is me, bearing my soul and admitting things that I can't out loud.
I've spoken before about my religious views and they are still, for the most part, the same. I still believe in a supreme being that I call God. I still believe that Jesus was merely a man who I do idolize, because, according to the stories in the bible, he was a good man, a kind man, the kind of person that I strive to be.
But recently, someone said something to me along the lines of "How can you believe the stories about Jesus that are in the bible, but you call the bible fake?". And that got me thinking.....that person is right. How can I believe some and not all of it?
So that's where I find myself now. There is so much in the bible that I disagree with. The position and roles of women, the views on homosexuals, the expectations of women, etc, etc. I DON'T place full stock in what the books says, because, frankly, I believe in my heart of hearts that it has been translated so much to suit the needs of the times. But there are certain stories, certain passages, that I enjoy reading, that I find fascinating, that stick with me.
I've been wanting to go to church. I want to take my kids and I want Matthew to go with us and I want it to be an every Sunday morning occurrence. The problem? The biggest is that I feel like wanting to do this makes me a hypocrite, because I can't get fully on board with their beliefs. I absolutely do not believe that Jesus was someone that died for my sins and, while I find myself wanting to live my life as I imagine he did, I don't and can't look at him as my Savoir. I don't and can't look at God as this amazing entity, because to me, God is just an energy that has zero human characteristics. I can't place complete stock in the bible. I just can't. Because to me, some of the stuff in it is just mean. I can't picture the Jesus that I believe in feeling as he does about things and, because of my belief of what God is, I can't see certain parts of the bible as anything more than a bylaw placed in the book by a man as a means to rule a country as he wanted.
I don't know what to do. I want to "let go and let God", so to speak, but when I really think about it, I find myself feeling guilty, because I've always been told that you are to believe in the bible, fear God and accept Jesus as your savior. I can't and don't want to do any of that, because to me, it's not true.
So now what? What do I believe? What do I do? Do I go to church anyway? I enjoy church and seeing the happiness it brings people. I find peace sometimes. Do I let my kids go and be taught one thing there, but give them MY values here? Wouldn't that confuse them?