We talked about just about everything. It was nice, it felt good. In these talks, however, I was hit with a realization that I hadn't even thought about.
I figured out when I lost myself.
As we go through life, we evolve and we change. But we do it for ourselves, for the most part. Sure, we might find someone that ignites a desire to change something about ourselves and that's fine. I've done that with The Hubs. It's when we try to change ourselves just to please someone else that we get lost in the process. Trust me, I know of what I speak, because that's what happened to me.
In 2007, I looked like this:
I LOVED myself. Sure, I was still dealing with depression, but I had confidence. For the most part, I thought I was pretty. I was losing weight, I was comfortable with myself.
Then I met a guy. He knew what I looked like. He knew I was this "rocker" chick. He knew I had piercings. He seemed okay with it. Then one day, he told me that he would rather I looked like a lady, that I couldn't be a good mom and maintain the rocker look. He said the piercings, the dark hair, the dark clothing, the hopes of having a leg sleeve dedicated to my favorite bands just wasn't what a mother was suppose to be.
So, I took out the piercings, I bought "girly" clothes, and I tried like hell to be what a woman, what a mom, was suppose to be. I became something, someone, I wasn't. And I started to hate myself.
Then he left.
This was the me I became. I don't think I look as happy. It looks forced to me. After he left, I moved to Kentucky and I slowly started to get back to the me that I'd changed, but I was still hanging on to this notion that a mom couldn't look like I did, that a mom couldn't have the piercings and tatts and that I wouldn't find someone who would love me looking like I did.
At one point in time, I had a band tee for every day of the week. I wore "skater" shoes
all the time, baggy pants or shorts that came to my calves. My hair was black or multi colored. I was different but I was me and damn it, I loved me.
In those 7 years, I've given up the shoes, the clothes. My hair stays a mainstream color, I have no piercings, I don't rock out like I use to. All because I feel like, if I don't dress the part, I won't be a good mom.
Last night, I realized that wasn't true. I CAN be myself, my true, real self and still be a good mom. Sure, my kids might get some weird looks, having a mom like me. But how can I teach them to be true to themselves if I can't even do that.
I'm not going as extreme as I use to be. I doubt I'll get my lip re-pierced, or my tongue. But I DO plan to get a half sleeve on my arm and I plan to get a leg sleeve done. I'm going to get my favorite bands tshirts, along with some comfortable clothes. I'll keep my dressier stuff, because there will be times they are needed. But I'm breaking out of this shell I've been locked in. And I'm going to rediscover me. Not the SAME me I was, but a healthier, better me.
So here's to me......