Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Realization of a Problem


I have been toying with the idea of writing this for some time now. It's extremely personal, with a little TMI thrown in for good measure. But I share basically everything with you guys, so why not share this too?

Here is the TMI part...we'll go ahead and get that outta the way. I have been bleeding since October. Like...lady parts bleeding. However, I couldn't afford to go to the doctor to get it checked out, so I dealt with it. My insurance kicked in last month, so I finally went to the doctor and found out that I'm not producing enough progesterone and I'm not ovulating. For this, I have to take Provera for 10 days every month.

They also found out that my thyroid is a little messed up. I'm on medicine for that and will follow up in a month to see how it's helping.

But that's not what this post is about. It's about something even more personal. This ordeal has caused me to go into a deep depression that I'm having a really hard time getting out of. As I put it to some friends and to my doc (who will be known, from here on out, as Doc Z), I feel like I'm trapped under water and I can't get to the surface.

I've dealt with depression before. I've always been able to bring myself out of it. Usually, it strikes when my monthly friend leaves. This time, I haven't been able to shake it. I hadn't really noticed it, however. I guess because I'd grown so accustomed to feeling the way I felt. The Hubs pointed it out to me and my bestie backed him up.

Somewhere, in all of this bullshit, I'd gotten lost.

It takes courage to admit it. It takes more courage to talk about it openly. It takes even more courage to bring it up to someone who could likely toss you into the psych ward. If you are a long time reader of this blog, you know that I use to be a cutter. For the first time in several years, the urge to pull a blade across my arm was there and it was strong. Luckily for me, however, I feel strong enough to fight that urge. My life, my family....they are more important than that need for a release.

So, I went to the doctor yesterday for my thyroid. And I took that much needed step to get better. I told her how I was feeling, I told her about the urge to cut, fully expecting to be judged. Doc Z not only DIDN'T judge me, she LISTENED and she made me feel like there was hope. She was AWESOME and words can't describe how thankful I am for that half hour or so she spent with me, just listening to me ramble about nothing and everything.

I never thought I would need an antidepressant. I always thought I was stronger than my depression. I guess, in my already weakened state, my depression finally whipped me into submission. In addition to the thyroid meds and Provera, I am now taking Zoloft. I'm hoping this will help bring me out of it.

Having an amazing support system helps so much. Knowing I have my husband, my family, my friends, my doc, all of these people on my side...it gives me hope. I can see the surface now.

And I know that soon, I'm going to reach it.
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15 comments:

  1. Former cutter. I actually have my own post I was going to share today about it. I've struggled with depression too. I've been having the worst time this year and with everything going on....I've struggled to make sure old habits stay dead. Hugs and love to you. You are not alone.

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    1. Thank you. If you need to talk, I'm here to listen! ♥

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  2. You're going to help someone with this post. Someone is depressed and hasn't asked for help yet because they think they'll be judged. Reading this will give someone - at least one person - the courage to speak up. You did good, girl. Keep us updated. <3

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    1. I hope so. It so helps to know you aren't alone.

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  3. I'm sorry you suffered for so long before being able to get to a doctor, but I'm so glad that you found the perfect doctor for you.

    You took control of your own physical health and your depression. You are a great role model for those kids.

    I'm here for you, hope you know that.

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  4. This resonates with me because I have felt or gone.through some of the same issues. Thyroid meds in addition to antidepressants will help alot. Consider a hysterectomy or alternative treatment because all those messed up hormones don't help.Keep sharing and being open , to a counseler or trusted friend isolation sucks and makes it worse.My last thought is If you have some sort of Faith ,Jesus is my Rock without him I wouldn't be here.

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    1. Luckily, a hysterectomy isn't needed, though I'm not ruling out a possible need for an ablation. But I will most definitely keep sharing, because it DID help. Thank you so much for your kind words.

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  5. You are never alone as long as I live..I'm here for you my baby girl whenever you're in need .. as we both know I also have been a long time suffer of depression & addiction... We'll help each other through this , you're a strong woman just like your mamma ..... "NEVER EVER GIVE UP" !! We got this baby girl.....
    Mamma loves you so very much....<3

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  6. This part- "I never thought I would need an antidepressant. I always thought I was stronger than my depression". Being depressed has NOTHING to do with what strength you have, Sarah. it is a miswire in your brain. It doesn't make you weak, it doesn't mean depression "won" or beat you, it means you have a problem that needs treated, same as if you had a heart condition. Were you to have a problem that was entirely physical, would you say that you thought you were stronger than, say, a heart problem, and if you just tried harder, you could have beat it? I assume not. I assume you would take the meds prescribed by doctors trained to treat your problem, no? So don't think of this as anything different. It is a condition you have that needs medication to make you well. Don't forget that. YOU ARE STRONG. You are also human, my friend with all the frailties of our species. Frailties, btw, not flaws. You are strong. Getting help and taking the meds will simply make you stronger. :-) <3

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    1. You are absolutely right. This is one of the many lessons I'm learning on this journey. ♥

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  7. Sarah, im sure you have helped so many people with this blog. I to felt likeI was stronger than my depression for a very long time. However it always lead me to a bunch of pills hoping for an end. I finally truly took cobtrol and talked to someone about it. At first I felt like a ginny pig trying to find one that made my mind stable. But I finally found one that works for me and I make sure to take it daily. Most likely Ill need them for a pretty long time but I feel great with em. And have had no suicide thoughts or actions. I may not be a cutter but I get trying to escape. By you posting this blog hopefully people will to find the courage to talk to a dr.

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    1. Thank you very much. I really appreciate the kind words.

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  8. I totally hear you on this one. I'm a former cutter too, and I've been on and off Zoloft for the past 11 years. I went back on it shortly before my daughter was born because I really wasn't coping with life, but I didn't want to go back to old habits. It's now been over three years I've been medicated this time and while life isn't perfect, it's nowhere near as bad as what it has been. It takes such strength to admit you have a problem, and I'm glad you've taken steps to get back to your old self. Thinking of you.

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So....what did you think? And are you THAT Sarah Michelle?