Wednesday, February 5, 2014
Realization of a Problem
I have been toying with the idea of writing this for some time now. It's extremely personal, with a little TMI thrown in for good measure. But I share basically everything with you guys, so why not share this too?
Here is the TMI part...we'll go ahead and get that outta the way. I have been bleeding since October. Like...lady parts bleeding. However, I couldn't afford to go to the doctor to get it checked out, so I dealt with it. My insurance kicked in last month, so I finally went to the doctor and found out that I'm not producing enough progesterone and I'm not ovulating. For this, I have to take Provera for 10 days every month.
They also found out that my thyroid is a little messed up. I'm on medicine for that and will follow up in a month to see how it's helping.
But that's not what this post is about. It's about something even more personal. This ordeal has caused me to go into a deep depression that I'm having a really hard time getting out of. As I put it to some friends and to my doc (who will be known, from here on out, as Doc Z), I feel like I'm trapped under water and I can't get to the surface.
I've dealt with depression before. I've always been able to bring myself out of it. Usually, it strikes when my monthly friend leaves. This time, I haven't been able to shake it. I hadn't really noticed it, however. I guess because I'd grown so accustomed to feeling the way I felt. The Hubs pointed it out to me and my bestie backed him up.
Somewhere, in all of this bullshit, I'd gotten lost.
It takes courage to admit it. It takes more courage to talk about it openly. It takes even more courage to bring it up to someone who could likely toss you into the psych ward. If you are a long time reader of this blog, you know that I use to be a cutter. For the first time in several years, the urge to pull a blade across my arm was there and it was strong. Luckily for me, however, I feel strong enough to fight that urge. My life, my family....they are more important than that need for a release.
So, I went to the doctor yesterday for my thyroid. And I took that much needed step to get better. I told her how I was feeling, I told her about the urge to cut, fully expecting to be judged. Doc Z not only DIDN'T judge me, she LISTENED and she made me feel like there was hope. She was AWESOME and words can't describe how thankful I am for that half hour or so she spent with me, just listening to me ramble about nothing and everything.
I never thought I would need an antidepressant. I always thought I was stronger than my depression. I guess, in my already weakened state, my depression finally whipped me into submission. In addition to the thyroid meds and Provera, I am now taking Zoloft. I'm hoping this will help bring me out of it.
Having an amazing support system helps so much. Knowing I have my husband, my family, my friends, my doc, all of these people on my side...it gives me hope. I can see the surface now.
And I know that soon, I'm going to reach it.