I have struggled with writing this post for awhile now. I think it has been weighing so heavily on my mind that it actually has blocked me from writing anything else. So, I decided to get it out. Then I struggled on whether or not I should post it. I didn't think I would, but I really don't keep anything from you guys, so here it is. A real, raw post, directly from my heart.
I'm not sure why this happens to me every year, but it does. Maybe it is the whole "new year, new me" thing, I don't know. But every year, I feel this pull, this tug, to go to find a church to attend with my family and rediscover faith.
I've mentioned before that I was saved and baptized a Southern Baptist. After searching my heart, I discovered that that particular branch of faith is not for me. I didn't feel it taught what I was searching for, which was love. So, I stopped going to church. As I grew older, I realized that the religion I was being exposed to was not good, so I renounced religion and faith all together in favor of being an Atheist.
Looking back, I realize that my militant Atheist ways is a veil for the pain and disappointment I felt in what I'd known most of my life. So I sought out a path that brought me peace. I tried Paganism, Judaism, Buddhism, being Agnostic, being spiritual. Nothing fit. I went to a Unitarian Universalism church and felt some peace, but there aren't any of them in my area.
2014 was such a good year for my family and I'm so thankful. I know that 2015 will be better. But I have this nagging feeling that I need something more...that WE, as a family, need something more. I guess I want to have a relationship with Jesus that I see so many of my friends have. I'm emotional just writing this, because I feel so strongly about this. It is weighing me down, I feel.
The problem? My values that I hold so dear. How do you have a relationship with Jesus, put faith in the Bible as it is the word of God, when you feel so strongly about things like same-sex marriage, separation of Church and State, and religious equality? How do you go to a church in an area that you know is completely against everything you stand for?
I am contacting a few of the churches I feel drawn to. I've found one in my area that is an open and affirming church, but it just doesn't speak to me. It doesn't seem as kid-friendly as I am looking for. Right now, there are four churches that I'm interested in, that I've been drawn to for some time. I want to find a church that speaks to me, that moves me.
I also need to figure out a way to tell The Hubs (though, I'm sure he is reading this, so...um.....here ya go). I want this to be a family thing, a family venture. I want him there with us. I want this journey to be together, like everything else we do.
I don't want to become religious. I want to become faithful.
But, at the same time, I'm terrified.