Thursday, January 8, 2015

Losing My Religion

I have struggled with writing this post for awhile now. I think it has been weighing so heavily on my mind that it actually has blocked me from writing anything else. So, I decided to get it out. Then I struggled on whether or not I should post it. I didn't think I would, but I really don't keep anything from you guys, so here it is. A real, raw post, directly from my heart.

I'm not sure why this happens to me every year, but it does. Maybe it is the whole "new year, new me" thing, I don't know. But every year, I feel this pull, this tug, to go to find a church to attend with my family and rediscover faith. 

I've mentioned before that I was saved and baptized a Southern Baptist. After searching my heart, I discovered that that particular branch of faith is not for me. I didn't feel it taught what I was searching for, which was love. So, I stopped going to church. As I grew older, I realized that the religion I was being exposed to was not good, so I renounced religion and faith all together in favor of being an Atheist. 

Looking back, I realize that my militant Atheist ways is a veil for the pain and disappointment I felt in what I'd known most of my life. So I sought out a path that brought me peace. I tried Paganism, Judaism, Buddhism, being Agnostic, being spiritual. Nothing fit. I went to a Unitarian Universalism church and felt some peace, but there aren't any of them in my area.

2014 was such a good year for my family and I'm so thankful. I know that 2015 will be better. But I have this nagging feeling that I need something more...that WE, as a family, need something more. I guess I want to have a relationship with Jesus that I see so many of my friends have. I'm emotional just writing this, because I feel so strongly about this. It is weighing me down, I feel. 

The problem? My values that I hold so dear. How do you have a relationship with Jesus, put faith in the Bible as it is the word of God, when you feel so strongly about things like same-sex marriage, separation of Church and State, and religious equality? How do you go to a church in an area that you know is completely against everything you stand for? 

I am contacting a few of the churches I feel drawn to. I've found one in my area that is an open and affirming church, but it just doesn't speak to me. It doesn't seem as kid-friendly as I am looking for. Right now, there are four churches that I'm interested in, that I've been drawn to for some time. I want to find a church that speaks to me, that moves me.

I also need to figure out a way to tell The Hubs (though, I'm sure he is reading this, so...um.....here ya go). I want this to be a family thing, a family venture. I want him there with us. I want this journey to be together, like everything else we do. 

I don't want to become religious. I want to become faithful. 

But, at the same time, I'm terrified.

3 comments:

  1. I think you're already faithful.

    I also think that you can't get a real feel for the core of a church, the community, from just one visit. You need to pick one and see if you can grow there, even if you're reticent at first. You can still move on if you need to.

    I truly hope you find what you're looking for.

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  2. I was raised Catholic, really Catholic like did the whole Catholic school and church 6 days a week thing and find myself drawn to the tradition now but not the beliefs so much.

    I don't know the last time I have really been in church- I might have been inside one but not involved or invested in the dogma and beliefs in quite a long time.

    We have to find what fits us.

    I find a church or a congregation doesn't quite fit my beliefs and know that I lose myself in serving others and believe my faith is kindness and serving others. So that is what I do. If I find a church or a place that works for me that will be awesome. But for now I'll be content with knowing what I believe and making sure my actions are in concordance with my beliefs if that makes sense..

    I hope your soul finds the spiritual solace and home you are searching for ❤

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  3. WOW !!! When I was younger I to was baptized as a Southern Baptist & I went to church just about every Sunday, not sure why I stopped. I'm looking for something also, what I've no clue... I guess when I find it I'll know, until then I will keep searching .... Good luck baby girl, I hope you find peace......

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So....what did you think? And are you THAT Sarah Michelle?