When you've spent your entire life pretty much just trying your best to not stand out, you get pretty darn good at blending in. It's gotten to the point where you not only just blend, you give up completely.
I've gotten to that place.
Recently, The Hubs and I were talking and he made me realize some things about myself that I never realized before. I hide myself as a defense mechanism. I've given up trying to do something with my hair or trying to do my makeup or anything like that. I've pretty much just become how I see myself, how I think OTHERS see me. Frumpy. Bland. Nonexistent. So, I do what I do best. I blend in and, when I'm around other people, I strive to find something about me that I can call my own. I'm not the pretty one, I don't have the nice hair, I don't have the nice makeup, I'm the fat one.
You get my drift.
As a result, I result to trying to be funny, which I'm really not all that good at. I'm loud, brash and abrasive, which is rather contradictory of the fact that I strive to blend in. But that blending is a defense mechanism as well.
I've been on my medication for my food addiction for going on 2 months now. I've lost between 10 and 20 pounds (it fluctuates depending on a few factors). I'm ready to really kick this into high gear, now that the weather is starting to clear up a little bit. A few friends of mine and I are going to walk at the school next door, I'm going to get more serious about what I eat, things like that.
My hope is that, as the weight starts to fall off, I start to feel a little more confident to do things that I want to do, like getting my hair done or wearing my contacts again or even putting makeup on on a regular basis. Just anything to make myself feel good...feel pretty. I really DO need to start taking better care of myself. I put my needs last or often completely overlook them. I need to stop this.
I also have this very bad habit of trying to shoulder all of my stress myself. I need to learn to let my husband help me carry a little of it. The stress bogs me down so much that I often just feel so exhausted from it. It makes me not want to put in the effort TO work on my appearance, because at the end of the day, I have nothing left to give.
Little by little, I'm going to come out of my self-imposed shell. I have to, for my sanity.