Wednesday, March 11, 2015

The Mask That Hides Me

When you've spent your entire life pretty much just trying your best to not stand out, you get pretty darn good at blending in. It's gotten to the point where you not only just blend, you give up completely. 

I've gotten to that place.

Recently, The Hubs and I were talking and he made me realize some things about myself that I never realized before. I hide myself as a defense mechanism. I've given up trying to do something with my hair or trying to do my makeup or anything like that. I've pretty much just become how I see myself, how I think OTHERS see me. Frumpy. Bland. Nonexistent. So, I do what I do best. I blend in and, when I'm around other people, I strive to find something about me that I can call my own. I'm not the pretty one, I don't have the nice hair, I don't have the nice makeup, I'm the fat one. 

You get my drift.

As a result, I result to trying to be funny, which I'm really not all that good at. I'm loud, brash and abrasive, which is rather contradictory of the fact that I strive to blend in. But that blending is a defense mechanism as well.

I've been on my medication for my food addiction for going on 2 months now. I've lost between 10 and 20 pounds (it fluctuates depending on a few factors). I'm ready to really kick this into high gear, now that the weather is starting to clear up a little bit. A few friends of mine and I are going to walk at the school next door, I'm going to get more serious about what I eat, things like that. 

My hope is that, as the weight starts to fall off, I start to feel a little more confident to do things that I want to do, like getting my hair done or wearing my contacts again or even putting makeup on on a regular basis. Just anything to make myself feel good...feel pretty. I really DO need to start taking better care of myself. I put my needs last or often completely overlook them. I need to stop this.

I also have this very bad habit of trying to shoulder all of my stress myself. I need to learn to let my husband help me carry a little of it. The stress bogs me down so much that I often just feel so exhausted from it. It makes me not want to put in the effort TO work on my appearance, because at the end of the day, I have nothing left to give.

Little by little, I'm going to come out of my self-imposed shell. I have to, for my sanity.

7 comments:

  1. Love it.... Trust your mother , once you can tell that you've lost weight you'll start wanting to fix yourself up , I know I did... I went out & bought make-up & things to make my face look younger , all because I was feeling better about me & the person I was seeing in the mirror.....Keep up the gr8 progress you've made so far.... Momma love you very much & I am so , so proud of you.....
    Love ya
    MOM......

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  2. Sometimes it's all just a vicious cycle: weight gain, depression, feelings of inadequacy. I'm so glad you've taken steps to break the cycle. I really hope that both hoped for and unexpected positive results come your way.

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  3. I am going to be cheering you on and wishing you all the luck in the world!!!!
    I know how it is. I reallllllly do. I have been struggling with my weight for a very long time.

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  4. Don't wait for the weight to start to come off before you start taking care of yourself... The worst things we can do to ourselves is wait until we feel better about ourselves to embrace our bodies as they are and embrace ourselves period. I think it's important for you to treat your body with love and respect now and get your hair styled and do your makeup and dress for your current body type if you're going to make long lasting weight change. :) you deserve some self-love and that love will make transitioning away from food addiction an easier process.

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  5. I'm with the ladies who commented before me. Don't wait. Do what you want to do for yourself today! OK, tomorrow. But do it!
    Waiting until X or Y happens is like not using the nice China or the expensive perfume because it's for special occasions only.
    You are worth it!

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  6. No need to wait. I know it may seem that it may come natural when weight falls off but you deserve to love yourself. It may seem silly but you want to make a routine to dedicate love and time to yourself. Find things that makes you feel good. Nice smelling perfume, shiny lip gloss, new haircut-find clothes that fit your body.

    I feel you girl. It took me a long time to love myself. I still struggle. But there's no point in waiting or giving a rip of what others may think. Wear what you want, accessorize, paint your nails-whatever makes you feel attractive and makes you proud of yourself.

    You are beautiful inside and out. Do not deny yourself self-love. You deserve it. Life is too short not to realize your own beauty ❤

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So....what did you think? And are you THAT Sarah Michelle?